Stress

I have eluded to the fact that vet school is stressful before but I have realized that it has been vaguely touched upon and honestly, deserves to be better explained.

I have no idea how you ended up on my page here, but if it is because you are interested in getting into veterinary school, I hope you take this post seriously.

Mentally and emotionally, I am not the most stable person. I grew up in a house of passion. Fights occurred  like any household, except most were because we loved each other so much that we had each others best interests at heart. High school was particularly hard for my mother and I. Of course we still fight but we have advanced our communication skills so much because of all the practice we had. But all that aside, I came from a happy, loving family, yet I still suffer (and yes I choose the word suffer) from anxiety and depression.

School is stressful. You have a lot of pressure put on you from your profs, parents, friends, and yourself. It is expensive, time consuming, and requires constant mental alertness. Plus... you chose to be here. You WANT to be here.

I know there is this stereotype of college kids partying all the time and I am not about to say that I do not make time to enjoy myself. What I wold like to point out is that we work hard and play hard. I particularly love getting together with my girlfriends with a couple bottles of wine and gossiping and ranting the night away or getting together with my classmates at a local bar for cheap drinks and dancing. It is nice to let my mind go; let the stress of midterms and assignments fall away and just get caught up in the endorphins of the dancing and suppression from the alcohol.

But going out every weekend is not enough release to control my emotional turmoil. I still find myself up at 4 am on a random school night crying myself to sleep or emotionally eating when no one is looking. Then come 8:30 am when class starts, I am too tired or too upset to go and miss a lot of class/labs. I find it hard to pressure myself into studying every night, so all my work is frantically attempting to catch up to what I have missed, because I was too tired the night before from being behind in material.

This vicious cycle looks so simple written down. I could solve my problems with 3 hours of library time and some sleeping pills, really. I can even push my luck here and pretend to blame it on all my extra curriculars;  Social Committee, hockey, helping make the classes mascot, College Royal, frat events, games nights, dog sitting, working at the reception desk, birthday parties, etc. But I know that this is just a cover for my lack of self discipline and motivation. And I am sure that it also has to do with my knack for self destruction.

Self destruction. Self hate. I am sure these are things some people haven't thought of before, but a LOT of people hate themselves. Hate who they are and/or what they look like. I wish that my words could better explain the feeling. I can't control it. I know I am smart and pretty and I try to please people and stick up for what I believe in. I try to be tolerant and respectful, be a good listener, be a good friend/sister/daughter/girlfriend/employee/student. I know I have accomplished so much, worked so hard, gone against the odds to be here, but I still cannot prevent myself from stuffing my face with unhealthy foods, staying up to late watching youtube videos of God-knows-what, procrastinating to the point of being wildly unprepared, and lashing out at the people I love.

I explained that I used the word "suffer" above. I think I do suffer because despite therapy and medications, I have no control over these emotions. I lack the ability to stop these behaviours when they are happening. I think it happens less than in undergrad, and I am better at recognizing when it is happening or if it is about to happen and I can try to get out of the situation, but I cannot prevent it.

It makes me scared for my future. How will I get through exams like this? Survive fourth year rotations and my NAVLE like this? Get a job, when I do not even like myself? How will I move in with my boyfriend when I can't articulate why I am sobbing and do not want him to touch me? How will I be a mother? How am I going to be a productive veterinarian, who makes a difference in the lives of clients, patients and consumers? It is all so over whelming.

I have told you that I love being in vet school. I swear 80% of the time, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my profs, my classmates, my subjects, my teaching animals, my community... This is where I belong. But that 20% of self doubt and hatred is hard to work with. Of course I am not seriously suicidal but sometimes I can see why people do it. Seems like a selfish way out of this Hell I have created for myself. But I know that is not my answer. I got here because I am strong, and I know that these feelings will pass, and I will be ok.

I decided to write this down for two reasons: 1) I need to for myself, and 2) I want people to know that these feelings happen to other people to, that you are not alone. I want younger people to know what to expect - no not depression, that is an individual thing - but the stress that university and graduate school can put on a person. You have to be prepared. You need a support system of friends and family that will help bring you back down to Earth when you spiral out of control. You need to know that a lot of other students are going through the same thing, that you are not weird, or lonely, or stupid. You need to be able to proactively be helping yourself out; getting some studying in between classes, getting your room cleaned a week before your exam so it will not distract you the night before, eating healthy and getting active so your body AND your mind are tired at night, not over committing yourself so you are not worn out, spending time with your friends and family and telling hem what is on your mind. These are just some broad things, but they really do help.

I have a very far way to go. Honestly, I do not think this will ever go away. I do not feel broken, this is just who I am and the sooner I accept myself, the sooner I can work with it and manage it and stop fighting myself, the sooner I will be a more functional human being. The boyf and I have been working together on this over the last year. I am so surprised he hasn't freaked out and ran away by now. Maybe he realizes a bit of this in himself, or maybe it is just because the bond we have been able to create is stronger than all of this. All I am sure of is that I am very lucky.

Sorry to post something such heavy feels dudes. But it will be worth it if I can at least help one person. I talk to a lot of vet school hopefuls and I think this is an important issue they need to be aware of. Just as important as how to study for the MCAT or what their volunteer experience is. Please let me know if there are any questions or comments. :)